Monday, January 26, 2015

Music To My Ears

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Baby Girl laughed for the first time yesterday, and it was music to my ears! It seriously sent my heart into little flips and I longed for her to do it again. It was super funny and cute the way it came out. I was scolding our youngest boxer pup for playing too rough and too close to Baby Girl. As I said "Xena, sit", Baby Girl just started to giggle. I then tried and tried to get her to do it again, but like everything else- it has to be on her terms. Finally, she did it again as I tickled her back during tummy time. I was able to get a quick video of it. Then, I started blowing raspberries on her cheeks and going from side to side- this really got her going!

Here's a video for you to enjoy! Warning: make sure you have your sound up- your heart will melt. Of course, I am biased :-)

I also have a heavy heart writing this post. In 2.5 weeks, I am returning to work and I am very saddened with that fact. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my job and changing careers from Architecture to Education was definitely the right call for me. However, as a mom, my priorities have changed. When I was teaching before maternity leave, I put a lot of extra hours into work and I didn't mind. I went in early, stayed later, and brought work home a lot of the time. Now, I won't be going in early, I won't be staying late, and I hope to not be bringing work home. I don't know how I am going to get my work done without putting in the extra time- I don't know how others get it done without putting in the extra time- there is just too much to do/too many responsibilities. But- my priority is to my daughter and to my husband. I know I will not be looking back over my life at 60 and wishing I worked more- I'll be wishing I enjoyed my family more. My personality is to "give it all" to whatever I am working on/doing. I don't know how to effectively do that now- I'll be dividing my time between 4 roles- teacher, mother, wife, and woman. It wasn't hard before because no one was completely dependent on me- now there is this tiny little human who depends on me and my husband for everything. I am afraid that since I won't be able to "give it all" to teaching, that I won't be good at it anymore. I am even more afraid that I won't be able to be the kind of mom I want to be to my daughter.

The kind of mom I want to be is very "hands on". I want to do art with her, teach her to garden, sew, knit, craft, bake bread, play games, camp, and enjoy the simple life. I am not a complete "crunchy mom", but I seem to have some of those tendencies. I want to make some of her toys, her clothes, and experience her developmental milestones firsthand. We have great options for childcare lined up, but it's not the same as me- I'm sure every mom has felt this way. I long for the day when I can stay home  with her and our future babies- whether it's working from home, working a part-time job, or taking a break from teaching until our kids are in school. For now, it's not in the cards but maybe in the near future.

Baby Girl, don't grow up too fast on me- I want to enjoy every second- even every tear you shed. Time is fleeting and so are the tears.

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