Monday, February 16, 2015

First Day Back Reflections

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I have been back to work for 3 days and it was TOUGH! I cried each day and each day got harder, not easier, like everyone told me it would. Our daycare watched Baby Girl on Wednesday and Friday and my dad watched her on Thursday. Baby Girl did a great job, and I knew it was going to be harder on me and it certainly was. All of my worries about what she was going to do about milk were eased a couple weeks before I started back when we introduced the sippy cup. Each day, Baby Girl drank 9 ounces; I don't think that is the amount that she will stick to, or at least I hope she increases that amount, but she is getting what she needs to hold her over. I feed her as soon as I pick her up- it's good for Baby Girl, and it feels good on my end to rebond with Baby Girl.

I planned it so that I would go to work for 3 days, have off this week, and then go back to work for 5 weeks before our next break (I follow an extended school calendar). I am so happy I did that so that I could ease back into the swing of things. After only 3 days, I was exhausted, overwhelmed and I felt disconnected from my baby. By Friday afternoon, I couldn't wait to just hold her, feed her, and cuddle with her while she napped which is basically what I did!

I still love my job, and I think it's perfect. But, right now, I am really struggling with feeling disconnected from Baby Girl and like I am missing out on so much. I hate that she smells different when we pick her up and I hate that I am not there when she wakes up from each nap. I know it's important for separation, but this just feels like SO much separation. I think part of the problem is that I have my work cut out for me at work to get my classroom back in order and situated to meet a certain level of acceptance. I also don't love pumping. I pumped while I was home with her, but not on any regular schedule- I just pumped when I felt full or when I didn't feel completely drained. Even so, I was able to get a good amount frozen- basically a 3cuft freezer full. It felt normal, comfortable and a necessary evil. Now, I am pumping in a new place with new stressors and pumping seems foreign. I need to get past it, and each day that has gotten easier, so I'm sure it will be fine... in time.

Time will tell.

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